Lord of the Blingbling
by ambuscade
Summary: This is the second story of the Lord of the Rings trilogy and it's pretty much a spoof. If you seen Lord of the Rings as many time as Alex and I have you start to wonder about things. Like why is Frodo and Sam, Legolas and Gimli, Merry and Pippin such cut
1. Default Chapter

"Fly you fools!" gasped Gandalf as he fell into the black abyss.  
  
"Noooo!! Gandalf!" Frodo burst out crying hysterically as Boromir carries him out of the mountain with Sam at his tell screaming "Mr. Frodo!! Mr. Frodo don't cry!"  
  
"Hmmm, I wonder if his robes flew up when he fell." Said Legolas in his usual valley girl voice "I bet it he was wearing the pair of striped boxers I gave him for his birthday."  
  
"My god!" yelled Aragorn "You are so gay!"  
  
"Hey!" yelled Merry and Pippin at the same time. "What's wrong with being gay?!" They grasped each others hand and skipped out of the mountain together.  
  
"Well excuse me if I'm not a manly man like you!" snapped Legolas as he flipped his long, blond hair.  
  
Aragorn yells out of frustration and storms out of the mountain after Boromir. Gimli walks up to Legolas with tears in his eyes.  
  
"Weren't those the same pair of boxers you gave me for my birthday?!" he howled "I'm sorry Legolas but were done.Forever!!"  
  
Gimli rips off his boxers off and throws them at Legolas face. Legolas clutched the boxers to his face so he could smell the sweet of Gimli's uhhh..right  
  
"Please Gimli, Gandalf meant nothing to me!" he pleaded  
  
But it was to late Gimli stomped out of the mountain with out another word. Legolas stood there a few minutes and wallowed in self-pity then he too followed Gimli.  
  
"Gimli, Legolas were have you been!? I hope you weren't making out in there or anything in there! That's unsanitary!" snapped Aragorn  
  
"Oh don't worry about that Aragorn there will be no more of those!" Gimli said very loudly so that everyone could hear.  
  
Legolas started crying again as Aragorn rolled his eyes. "Baby.." he muttered as he scanned the area looking for orcs. "Hey! Where is Frodo? Frodo?!" Oh were oh were has my little Frodo gone? Oh were, oh were can he be?! Sang Sam in the back ground  
  
Close up!! Frodo turns in slow motion to glance over with his big, blue, luscious eyes. One tear fell down his oh so sexy face and Sam squeals and faints.  
  
Chpt. 2  
  
"GanDALF!" squealed Frodo as he awakened from the nightmare  
  
"Mr. Frodo!? Sam said as he grasped Frodo's shoulders "It's alright Mr. Frodo, go back to sleep."  
  
"I can't Sam." He stammered "I've just realized something."  
  
"Well what is it Mr. Frodo?" Sam asked  
  
"I.I just realized Legolas and Gimli, Merry and Pippin, are gay!" he muttered "Oh, and Sam don't call me Mr. Frodo, call me.Mr. Cuddly Bear."  
  
Sam just stared at him for a minute "You're just now realizing that?! Why did you think those two were always hanging out? And Legolas and Gimli, please I knew that for along time? What are you blind or just plain stupid?!"  
  
"Stupid is, as stupid does." Frodo replies in a monotone voice  
  
Frodo and Sam sit there in silence until they heard a noise up above them. Gollum a gray, old, wrinkling, balding schizoid was spotted climbing down a steep cliff. And since gravity is a really thing and since he is climbing down a very VERY steep cliff. His flimsy loan cloth flapped down showing..alot. Frodo sat there with his mouth wide open while Sam giggled like a little school girl and pointed.  
  
"Mr. Frodo! Mr. Frodo! Would you look at that! His is bigger than my foot!" exclaimed Sam.  
  
Gollum who must have heard Sam's girlish squealing. Realized what he was talking about blushed and pulled out two black rectangular censor blacks out of thin air and set them into place.  
  
"Stop staring at my other precious!" Gollum snapped Oh my god Frodo look at that butt it is sooo big!  
  
I like big butts and I can't lie all the hobbits can't deny! When Gollum walks in with an ity bity waist and a thing up in your face you like whoo! Sam sang in the background.  
  
Gollum hissed at them which turned into a hacking cough.  
  
"Sorry, he gasped "Hairball, now were was I?"  
  
He jumped onto Frodo ripping his clothes off looking for the ring.  
  
"Rape! Rape!" screamed Frodo  
  
"Don't worry Mr. Frodo I will save you!" Sam yelled as he ripped Gollum off Frodo.  
  
Gollum screamed out of rage and started to strangle Sam.  
  
"Stupid fat hobbit why wont you just die!? You gay little @%!&@!" he growled  
  
Frodo pulled out sting and grabbed Gollum from behind the neck and pulled him off Sam.  
  
"This is Sting you have met him before haven't you, Gollum." Said Frodo in a manly voice  
  
"Ohhh that's my man!" yelled Sam in the background 


	2. chpt 3

Chpt 3.  
  
Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas run across a grassy plain on the search to find Merry and Pippin. Aragorn runs by first with his chest puffed out, followed by Gimli gasping for air.  
  
"Come on Gimli, you need to get in shape!" Aragorn yelled back to him. Gimli grumbled some curse words under his breath and kept running.  
  
Slowly but surely Legolas walks by, crying and wearing Gimli's old boxers on his head. His face is red and puffy from all the crying, his mascara runs down his cheek.  
  
"Will you please just take those off!" snapped Aragorn  
  
"NEVER!!" squealed Legolas  
  
All of a sudden they heard a low rumbling sound and the ground starts to shake.  
  
"Gimli!" cried Aragorn "I told you to lay off the Lembas bread!"  
  
"It's not me!" Gimli cried back  
  
A group of men ridding on their horses circled the Gimli, Legolas, and Aragorn. The group of men glared at them for a minute then jumped off their horses. They all wore green tights and they all bulged.  
  
"They stuff themselves you can tell." Gimli whispered to Aragorn  
  
"I didn't want to know that..." Aragorn sighed  
  
The group of men gracefully jumped off their horses, all except one who got his foot caught, waving his hands frantically he then fell off with a thud. The rest of the man glared at him and coughed. The man's eyes went wide and he stood up as fast as he could trying not to make a scene. Gimli and Aragorn had to suppress their giggles, even Legolas gave a slight laugh.  
  
Cleared his throat "We are the riders of Ronnan." Said Eomer  
  
"Why do you were green tights!" Gimli blurted out interrupting  
  
Aragorn snorted and elbowed Gimli hard in the side. Sighed and snapped his fingers twice.  
  
"Alright boys, we need to give these children an introduction the group of men lined up in a line and burst out in song.  
  
"We're men, we're men in tights. We roam around the forest looking for fights. We're men, men in tights. We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's right! We may look like sissies , but watch what you say or else we'll punch out your lights! We're men, men in tights. Always on guard defending the peoples rights!  
  
The Riders of Ronnan form a straight line and start to do the can-can.  
  
We're men, MANLY men, we're men in tights. YESSS! We roam around the forest looking for fights! We're men, men in tights. We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's RIGHT! We may look like pansies, but don't get us wrong or else we're going to punch out your lights. Always on guard, defending the people's rights. When your in a fix just call for the men in tights! WE'RE BUTCH!  
  
The Riders all bow and jump back on their horses. Legolas claps hysterically, jumping up and down.  
  
"Bravo, bravo!! Encore!!" he cried "That was wonderful!!"  
  
Gimli and Aragorn just stare with their mouths open.  
  
"Right." muttered Aragorn 


	3. chpt 4

(THE NIGHT BEFORE)  
  
After hours of running day and night the Uruk-hai start to complain.  
  
"My feet hurt, I'm hungry and now I need a new loincloth because we didn't get to stop when I had to use the bathroom." Complained one of the Uruk- hai  
  
"Shut up you pansy! I told you to use the bathroom before we left!" yelled the leader  
  
"Well excuse me! He snapped "I was to busy caring one of this freaking midget on my back!" He threw Merry to the ground, he was still unconscious from earlier.  
  
The Uruk-hai who was caring Pippin staggered up and threw him by Merry. He too started to bicker with the others. Pippin eyes went wide as he looked over at his lovely companion.  
  
"Merry?! My love, wake up!! Wake up." He nudged him a couple of times, after a while he started to get frustrated.  
  
"Merry, wake your ass! Pippin hissed  
  
Merry groaned and stuck his thumb in his mouth.  
  
"I don't want to." He whimpered  
  
"Merry." Pippin growled, he used all his effort and kicked him under the belt. (Like he had anything!) Merry's eyes popped open and filled with tears.  
  
"Homina, homina, homina!" he gasped  
  
"Merry, we have to try and escape!" he whispered frantically  
  
After a few minutes of Merry whining whimpers he gave a slight nod with his head, they started to do the "worm" towards the forest. Suddenly they hear a low chant in the background.  
  
(tune to the meow-mix commercial)  
  
We want meat we want liver hob-bit hob-bit please deliver!  
  
Merry and Pippin's eyes went wide and they did the worm a little faster.  
  
"No! We can not eat the gay little hobbits!" growled the leader.  
  
"Raise your hand if you want gay hobbit for dinner!" cried one of the Uruk- hai  
  
All of the Uruk-hai raised their hands except the leader raised their hands.  
  
"No! We can not eat the stupid gay.." But before the leader could finish his sentence, his head rolled to the ground and his body crumpled. There behind the dead Uruk-hai, stood Captain Jack Sparrow holding a bloody sword in his hand.  
  
"How the bloody hell did I get here? This isn't the Pearl." said Captain Jack Sparrow in his usual drunken voice and with a confused look on his face.  
  
He shrugged his shoulders and walked away. The Uruk-hai stood there in complete silence with there mouth hanging wide open. In the background Merry and Pippin kept doing the worm as silent as they could.  
  
"Whoever that was, he was hot!" Pippin whispered to Merry, he nodded his head in agreement.  
  
"Well the appetizer is served!" yelled one of the Uruk-hai  
  
They all swarmed on their dead leader ripping him apart piece by piece. Merry and Pippin looked at each other in disgust and kept going. One very ugly and short Uruk-hai who could not get into the feeding frenzy, spotted Merry and Pippin "worming" away. An evil grin crossed his face, showing his sharp, rotting teeth. He snuck up behind them and grabbed their large feet.  
  
"Were do you think your going, little Halflings." He said in a scratch high pitched voice  
  
Merry and Pippin squealed like little pigs, they tried their hardest to pull their legs away. Suddenly they hear a low rumbling sound and the earth starts to shake. The same rider that would later meet Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli rode up on their horses, slaughtering every Uruk-hai they could reach. Merry and Pippin "wormed" as frantically as they could, Pippin stopped and turned on his back, to catch some air. His eyes went wide a pair of horse hoofs were about to crush him.  
  
"HOMINA HOMINA HOMINA!!" He screamed out of terror 


End file.
